King Harkinian/Poop Era
King Harkinian did a few notable things in the early 21st century, many of which were recorded in YouTube Poop videos. Dealings with Fast-Food Mascots Every fast food restaurant in Hyrule had closed in the aftermath of the Hylian Market Crash, and there had been no fast food available anywhere in Hyrule for many years when a McDonald's suddenly appeared in a remote area of Gamelai. Naturally, the King was overjoyed at this development and immediately went to eat there, despite Link’s vocal criticism of the chain’s food. Unfortunately, the King ate more than he could afford to pay for, so Ronald McDonald took him captive and forced him to pay off his debt by working for the restaurant. Link and Gwonam defeated Ronald McDonald and freed the King, but before long, another McDonald's appeared, the King went to eat there, and Ronald captured him again. Link saved him again, but Ronald escaped to the United States, and when Gwonam informed the King of this, the King decided to go eat at McDonald's again. Fortunately, Link managed to talk some sense into him, and they all went to America to defeat Ronald McDonald again. After winning this battle, the King finally swore off of McDonald's for good and settled on Burger King as his new fast food restaurant of choice. He declared the Burger King himself to be the chief dinnerman of Hyrule, and frequently invited him to events at Hyrule Castle. One day in 2008, the King decided to go to the pit for dinner and bring much of his court with him. This included the Burger King, who had been infected with the Weegee virus; as a result, everyone in the castle became Weegeefied. The King initially escaped the epidemic, as Fat Mario and Gay Luigi had accidentally knocked his head off of his body and sent it flying to Sparta. King Leonidas of Sparta perceived Harkinian’s arrival as a threat and kicked the messenger whose body the King’s head had landed on into the pit, but a Weegeefied Link and Gwonam swooped in to "save" him. The King’s head was immediately Weegeefied as well; luckily, Gay Luigi flew by again and cured the three by knocking Weegee’s face off of their faces. Unbeknownst to the King, Ronald McDonald had survived his third defeat, and he revealed himself once again by kidnapping the Burger King. The King immediately dispatched Link and Gwonam to rescue BK, but they failed due to interference from Fari, who sought to get Link killed so he could have Zelda to himself. BK soon escaped on his own, much to the King's relief, but Fari managed to seduce Zelda in spite of Link's survival. One morning, later in 2008, the King ran out of Munf Munf and decided to try making his own burgers. The burgers won universal acclaim amongst the King's court, and on Gwonam's advice, he quickly started selling them at a stand in front of Hyrule Castle. The stand was an immediate success, and the King made plans to expand it into a nationwide restaurant chain. However, this made him a competitor of the Burger King, who responded by kidnapping Zelda and holding her hostage in exchange for the King’s burger recipe. The King sent Link to defeat BK and his minion Guptill89; Link succeeded, BK and Guptill89 were imprisoned, and the King was reunited with his daughter. In March 2009, the King accidentally threw his Wiimote out the window, and Ronald McDonald—who had been hiding in the King’s trash—threw it back into the King’s face. This gave the King a concussion, but Link cured him by punching him in the head. The King then sent Link to defeat Ronald McDonald once and for all. Along with most of the CD-i gang, as well as Sonic and Meleemario, the King subsequently joined Link in an attack on Ronald's cheeseburger-shaped airship. Near the end of the battle, the King ate some Reese's Pieces to power himself up and deal the penultimate blow against Ronald. About a week after Ronald McDonald's apparent death, the Burger King broke out of prison and began terrorizing Hyrule. The King didn't take this lightly and joined forces with Robbie Rotten to find BK's ship, where they defeated him and his minions. However, Robbie and BK's ships then crashed into each other and sank, stranding everyone on an island. There, the King and his allies retrieved a treasure chest—defeating King K. Rool, Howard Brown, and the ghost of Captain Pie-Ass in the process—and escaped from hostile natives to escape on Jack Sparrow's ship. Opening the treasure chest, the King found a SNES, a copy of Donkey Kong Country 2, and over 9,000 rupees inside. Not wanting to share, the King threw everyone but Link, Zelda, Gwonam, and Impa overboard. Upon returning to Hyrule, the King used the money to buy a Toyota Hybrid. He took Link with him on his first drive in the car, during which he won a street race with Morshu. To celebrate his victory, the King got drunk at Gannon's Pub; he then kept driving, but Mayor Kravindish gave chase. The King finally crashed the Toyota into a tree, and Kravindish arrested him and Link. Affair with Gwonam, Trouble with Fari and Sonic One day, Gwonam suddenly told the King that he loved him. The King happened to have feelings for Gwonam as well, so he responded by asking for a kiss. Gwonam eagerly obliged the King's request, only for Zelda and Link to walk in and interrupt. Gwonam then flew off, leaving the King to deny that any gay shenanigans had transpired. Soon after that, however, Impa attacked Hyrule Castle and confirmed the King's homosexuality beyond any doubt via the Triforce of Wisdom. Zelda turned on her father upon this revelation, but Gwonam returned and took the King away to safety in Gamelon. In the King's absence, Zelda allied with Ganon to seize the Hylian throne and ordered Link to hunt her father down. The King continued to live in hiding in Gamelon, where Gwonam dutifully protected him and supplied him with dinner, despite his refusal to OAH him. About five weeks after Zelda’s coup, Link finally tracked the King down. Luckily for the King, Link also remained loyal to him, and the three set out to retake control of Hyrule. On the way, they stopped at a gay club, where Ganon and Impa ambushed and captured the King. Ganon then took the King to his lair, where he took the Triforce of Courage from the King before imprisoning him. Zelda, Link, and their allies soon defeated Ganon, and Gwonam returned the Triforce of Courage—now combined by Ganon with the Triforces of Power and Wisdom—to the King. However, the sheer power of the united Triforce turned the King evil, forcing Zelda to subdue him with a stab to the stomach. Furthermore, Zelda and Link had formed an alliance with Dr. Robotnik and antagonized Robotnik's enemy Sonic in the process of rescuing the King, and Sonic subsequently took revenge with attacks on the King’s allies, including Link. Link easily defeated Sonic, however, and the King decided to add insult to injury (maybe more like injury to injury... whatever) by running over Sonic with his car. Around this time, Zelda finally revealed her relationship with Fari to the King, who immediately disapproved and forbid them from seeing each other. He then went to Gamelon for dinner, only for Gwonam to interrupt his meal and inform him that Link had caught Zelda and Fari OAHing. The King immediately returned to Hyrule Castle, where he took drastic action by firing Fari and banishing him from the castle. A month later, Fari retaliated by seizing all of Hyrule's dinner reserves, forcing the King to send Link on a fishing expedition. Evil Birds, Dispute with I.M. Meen As it turned out, even with the other two Triforces taken away, the King's brief time in possession of the unified Triforce had still been enough to corrupt his mind (more than it already was, anyway); thus, he adopted Ganon’s identity as an alter ego and assumed leadership over Ganon's minions. The King then enacted a plot to establish himself as the absolute dictator of Hyrule by manufacturing an attack on Hyrule by evil birds under his control. While Link and others were distracted fighting the birds, the King revealed his true colors to Zelda, who joined him and his minions in seizing control of Hyrule and imprisoning his enemies, including Fari and Mayor Kravindish. Despite his success in conquering Hyrule, the King's plan went awry when the evil birds betrayed him and attacked Hyrule Castle. Forced to flee, the King encountered Gwonam, who informed him that only Duke Onkled knew the birds' true weakness. Thus, the King set out in search of the Duke and found him in the Mushroom Kingdom. After Duke Onkled informed him that only hard rock music could defeat the king of the birds, the King ordered Morshu to retrieve Fat Mario and Gay Luigi and Onkled and Gwonam to retrieve Zelda. The gang then met with Link at Hyrule Castle, where the King followed Duke Onkled’s advice and wiped out the birds by shredding on an electric guitar. One of the evil birds had survived long enough to activate their secret weapon, so the King flew into space to destroy it before it could enter Eluryh's atmosphere. After parachuting back to the surface, the King encountered an angry mob—led by Fari and Kravindish—intent on overthrowing him. Luckily, Link was there to inform the crowd that the King had just saved Hyrule from the birds, and everyone except Fari decided to cancel the uprising and join the King in a celebratory rock concert. Afterward, with Fari once again imprisoned, the King appointed Duke Onkled as Hyrule Castle's new chief of security to reward him for his help in ending the bird menace. One day, Link encountered a librarian/magician named I.M. Meen and called him gay, much to the King's amusement. However, Meen swore to get revenge on Link and his friends; as such, the next time the King went to Gamelon, Meen lured him to his library, where he imprisoned the King inside a book. With no help at all from an annoying fairy named Navi, the King freed himself, Zelda, and Ganon from the book, and Meen was defeated and imprisoned. About ten hours after Meen's defeat, his wife Ophelia Chill broke into Hyrule Castle and rescued him. Meen then confronted the King again, but the King was distracted by Ophelia, with whom he instantly became infatuated. He then offended Meen even further by declaring that he was going to have sex with Ophelia, who responded by trying to erase the King from history. Luckily, Zelda saved the King by breaking Ophelia's magic pencil, and she and Meen quickly gave up and left the King in peace. Epic Adventures in Poop Promotion One day, around 2010, the King attempted to make everyone in Hyrule Castle eat his poop. Irritated by the unanimous opposition to his command among the castle's denizens, the King decided to leave and make people all over the world universe eat his poop. As luck would have it, the first person he encountered was Solid Snake, who decided to join him on his quest. Although the King hypocritically thought Snake was too fat to keep up, Snake threatened to shoot him in the dong unless he let him follow him. The King then set out with Snake to make Ganon eat his poop. Upon arriving at Ganon's lair, the King called Zelda for help; she came to Ganon’s lair, and the King sent her to fight Ganon for him. While Zelda tried to lure Ganon outside, the King punched an apple tree, resulting in a fight with a floating television named Applelord. The King defeated it with more than a little help from Snake, just before Ganon finally came out. Zelda then ran away, forcing the King to fight Ganon himself. With help from Snake's assistant Otacon—who retrieved his Dinner Blaster, along with a machine gun—the King killed Ganon. The King was initially happy, but he became depressed when Snake pointed out that Ganon couldn't eat his poop now that he was dead. The King went to make Black Shadow eat his poop next, but Captain Falcon killed Black Shadow before the King could reach him. After ordering Snake to send Zelda if he didn't hear from him in a month, the King went to Japan to make Konata eat his poop. He coincidentally happened to land right next to her when he arrived in the country, only to realize that he couldn't speak Japanese. After retrieving a language translator from Snake, he returned to Japan and once again tried to convince Konata to eat his poop. She refused, however, and imprisoned the King inside her Nintendo DSi. Luckily, the King was able to escape from the device one month later when Sonic ran into it and broke it. After that, the King got into a fight with Robotnik’s minions, who were actually chasing Sonic but decided to try to capture him for the hell of it. The King easily defeated Scratch, Grounder, and Coconuts, but needed help from a swarm of bees to defeat Tomo Takino. Finding everyone but Snake, Otacon, and Konata’s associate Miyuki gone, the King became distraught over the fact that he had still failed to convince anyone but Snake that his poop was delicious. Miyuki took pity on the King, however, and helped him sneak backstage on Lucky Channel. The King then cornered the channel’s host on air and forced her to drink some of his poop; surprisingly, she enthusiastically endorsed the King's poop, which consequently became a popular beverage throughout Japan. His poop's success made the King richer than ever before, and he stayed in Japan to manage the business, hiring Ed and Edd (but not Eddy, for some reason) as his personal aides and living in a penthouse with Snake, Otacon, and Miyuki. One year after his appearance on Lucky Channel, the King realized that his poop still wasn't widely consumed anywhere but Japan, so he dragged Snake and Otacon off to King Koopa's Coney Island Disco Palace. There, the King tried to convince Koopa to eat his poop, but Koopa overpowered and imprisoned him. Luckily, Brooklyn Mario accidentally freed the King by smashing the floor of his cell, and Snake suggested that the King help Koopa conquer the Mushroom Kingdom in exchange for Koopa eating his poop afterward. The King again confronted Koopa, who agreed to his proposal, and they set off. Later Exploits I don't know how the King’s alliance with the Koopas turned out, but he eventually returned to Hyrule. After that, he ordered a sentient toaster from Billy Mays; went on a camping trip during which he killed his mother and got mauled by Baloo; stole the Triforce of Power from Ganon again and became Captain King; got held hostage by Bizarro Link and saved by Weegee; met Weegee and Impa's newborn son; found Majora's Mask in his garden, triggering a zombie attack and the resurrection of the late Billy Mays; and won a vacation cruise through the Windwaker Islands. Link and Zelda got engaged in the aftermath of this last event, and the King became a grandfather when they gave birth to a son later that year.